So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
