Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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