sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
