I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
