I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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