my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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