I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
