My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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