Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
