We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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