My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
Little spoons don't ask big questions
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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