How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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