i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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