oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
