I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
