haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
