I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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