can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
