why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Less talking, more tequila
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
