remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
