sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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