My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
