my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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