You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
