I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
