I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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