Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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