Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
