My cat gives me a boner
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
