there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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