Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
