I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
