If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
