He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
