No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
