I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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