i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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