he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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