After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
