I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
