Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
