i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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