a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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