i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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