my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
