there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
