god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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