When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
