please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
