If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
