i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
