well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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