God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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